If Only This Blog Had an About Me Section

There is a lot that I need to come out about before I start this post. My fear with this blog has always been (and continues to be), "What if XXX reads it and won't care for me anymore?" or "What if I embarrass my parents (again) and it hurts them?" I have no real way to answer either question, but at some point, I can feel things building up inside me and my desire to spill out my ever-loving guts on the Internet comes busting out. So, without further ado....

1) I'M HERE AND I'M QUEER!

That's the first part that I need to come out about. After my relationship with Clicker ended, I moved into my house and things just felt different. Although I lie in bed at night and worry that I won't have enough money and will be forcibly evicted from my house, I feel more settled here in a way that's hard to explain. I look around my house, constantly amaze, and think, "Hell ya. This shit is MINE!" I've even changed my sleeping habits. I used to sleep curled up on the far right hand side of my bed, but now I sleep in the middle or diagonally across the whole thing. I think the whole process of sleeping as if I owned the bed (which I do) confuses my cat to no end, but I'm getting off point here. My point is that I moved into my house and the way I look at life started to change. I realized that I can take control of my happiness and not leave it up to fate, bad first dates, or my fear of being 'outed' as a bad daughter, woman, lover, mother, and co-worker.

The me that I am, that I've always been, has wanted to be with women - even though they are all bat-shit crazy and turn me bat-shit crazy, but that's another post all together. Let me go onto point number two that I want to come out about and you'll see how this all ties in together:

2)   I WANT ANOTHER BABY!

Whew, I'm glad I got that off my chest. There are a lot of guilt issues with me being a single Mom and knowing that my friends and family will most certainly not support the expansion of my family has been difficult.

So, there it is: I'm gay, single, raising an amazing six year-old, and constantly worrying about money. The only way I can stack this less in my favor would be if I had a physical or mental disability. I guess that would make the situation worse. Or I could hate babies. That would certainly put a damper on the "I want another baby" outing party.

Sometimes well meaning friends will tell me that I need to seriously consider having another baby again, by myself (again), and what that would mean to my family. As much as I love my friends, that question is total bullshit. Would I even be bringing up something like another baby if I hadn't already put serious thought behind it? In the six and a half years that Zac has been on this Earth, have I ever, ever mentioned wanting to gestate another human being by myself? That's a definite no to both questions. Never before in my writing or personal conversations have I talked about how or why I feel like this is a necessary part of my life.

I can even feel now that I'm failing to adequately express the complex emotions that would go into a decision like this. I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to, but I at least needed to put it out there that there that I think about it a lot, especially since I found out my company covers fertility treatments at 100% on our health insurance.

If either of these two bold (with exclamation points!!) announcements cause you to love or respect me less, then I'm sorry. I still love and respect you. Maybe one day you can open your heart and embrace all of me. Until then, I'll be waiting.